My mother died this morning, 1am, according to the hospice nurse. We, only just yesterday, began 24 hour nurse attendance for her. She lasted 14 of those hours. For me, she was a wonderful mother, allowing me opportunities but never pushing me. Perhaps I needed pushing, but we won't go into that just now. For several years now her dementia became more and more a controlling characteristic of her life. For the first few years it was merely humorous short-term memory loss. Just a few years ago it had developed to the point where she got lost driving to and from the grocery store.

 The dementia coupled with hip replacement surgery necessitated her leaving her own home in Tehachapi and returning to Reseda, with me. The dementia had reached a point where memory loss and confusion was more than noticeable. All the stereotypical characteristics were there, repeating the same stories, forgetting who I was and where we were, etc. She could still get around with a walker and got lost on the sidewalk outside (only once).

 Then, very suddenly, about two months ago, she could no longer stand on her own or even with her walker. She had been attending adult daycare at OneGeneration two or three days a week. This was no longer possible and she became bed ridden. From that point on the deterioration of her physical condition could be noted on a daily basis and I called for the assistance of a hospice, St Jacob. This last couple of weeks it became more and more difficult to feed her and she soon lost the ability to even use a straw. By last Friday she had almost completely lost the ability to swallow. This meant she could no longer take in food or water.

 I'm very grateful to St Jacob for providing a nurse to stay here during her last hours. The nurse was able to recognize that my mother was in pain. I could not and mom was unable to tell me. She spent the last few hours on an oxygen machine receiving morphine drops under her tongue every three or four hours. She was no longer in pain but it was like watching her being sucked down a well, getting further and further out of reach.

 At 1 am this morning, she died. She's free now. She was a good person and didn't deserve to go through all the pain and agony that comes with dementia. I hope I was able to help her just a bit in her last years. It would have been nice to have the resources that would have made her life better. As far as I know there is nothing one can do the cure dementia. I guess it's rather like epilepsy, you just try to make sure there is nothing in the way for them to hurt themselves on as they thrash around.

 On a final note, I was rather hoping for a ghost or at least a mental visitation for a final good bye. Alas, nothing. She's just gone.